______（嘴角邊）___

昼夜人格分裂症

最近我患上了昼夜人格分裂症，换言之，我患上了一种很变态的神经病。但很可悲也很心酸，病发的时候面对的对象，就是那个让我想念得头脑快爆掉的人。印象中记得小时候看过一出电影，说的是一个白天是个医生，夜晚却是残酷的杀人凶手的故事。感觉自己最近好像他，但绝对没有高明的医术，更没有杀人的倾向。只是，自己都感觉得到的到了晚上尤其我有了一丝的睡意的时候，对他的态度完完全全的改变，说的话处处逼人，语气重到好像他在众人面前蒙羞过我一样句句都非让他难堪不可，错的对的都要把自己说成是大好人他是大坏人，然后怪他不该对我大声怪他不该安静怪他不该说我不爱听的话，到他对我道歉的时候，又不开心他道歉道得那么不甘心没诚意不如不道，再不停说我累了我累了要睡了，生生硬硬的把电话挂了为多一天画上多一个不美丽的句号。安静下来了才心生内疚歉意，想对他道歉想对他说我想他，但清楚知道自己已经为他带来多一个不快乐的夜晚了。

白天的我，总是有多亲密就多亲密，有多肉麻就多肉麻，能多表达得了想念的程度就去表达，尽管那些信息要是让任何“旁观者”一过目可能就会“清”到北极也罢，也尽管，所有人或许都不会相信那种信息那种字眼竟然会是我写出来的，我就想让他一个人知道我的想念。但到了晚上，我就好像没架吵就睡不安稳，不点火不煽风不起战争不爽快一样，一定要用刀刀叉叉所有刺刺利利的话来跟他沟通。既然很想念，为什么在那种应该亲亲我我你浓我浓的电话里要大力大力的泼冷冰冰的口水？不必怀疑没错，我脑袋坏了。

除了变态还是变态，已经知道自己是这个样了，也没有控制的能力，放纵的一夜一夜一遍一遍重复同样的事，从早上下午开开心心到晚上的冷漠……

“对不起！可是真的很想念你，想马上跟你过回老夫老妻的生活！”

人。自己

最近常常被人与人之间的相处之道困扰。也许是真的, 我把所有的定义都放错了。 因为定义放错了, 所以期望放错了。 因为期望放错了, 所以失望也错了，错在它不应该出现。 如果说, 现实的世界就是没有任何人会跟我们的节拍走,  理所当然，我们也没必要总哼着别人谱好的曲子。

人与人之间, 如果总是要相处得因为害怕些什么而包装自己, 这样为免太做作太别扭了。如果真的因为害怕被世界淘汰而委曲求全, 这样也似乎太对不起自己。 没有任何人生来就必须死守着谁, 也没有人生来就被命定要为谁停留, 更没有人生来就非跟着谁的步伐走不可。 那又何必, 为了自己错误的期望去感到失望难过伤心？

我不否认, 我的心很严重的小, 脑袋却装置了很多很多弯弯曲曲的小路, 而我承认, 这样的配搭, 让我很容易就会把自己捆在一个小小的问题里面找不到出口，然后陷入灰色状态. 放开心放开心. 改一改定义, 世界也许就会变得美妙很多。 做一个疯疯癫癫的人，可能真的会活得轻松一点。至少, 就算被所有人排斥，都还有能力让嘴角高高的翘起来。暗自在角落偷偷哭泣不让人知道也好，至少没有人会看到没有人会知道，你原来这么脆弱这么好欺负，轻轻提起小腿，翻一下白眼，扁一下嘴，都可以瞬间让你世界黑暗。

我不要了。发誓不要再让任何人捉摸我的弱点, 不要再任何人面前透明化自己, 更更, 不要让任何一个人, 牵制我的情绪。 我有我自己的脑袋, 我有我自己的神经, 我可以装我自己的心事, 我也可以控制我自己的情绪。 现实的世界不就是这样, 不需要把自己绑在任何一个地方。面对奸诈的世界，不想使坏就要保护自己，因为适者生存这个道理，经过世世代代以后，依旧在循环着。

我要开开心心快快乐乐高高兴兴幸幸福福甜甜蜜蜜的，让自己的嘴角，不再有任何牵挂顾虑的往上扬。我本来就是个爱笑的人。

我欠缺的东西, 我誓死要把它找回来. 做回我自己。 坦荡荡，潇潇洒洒走一回~

二十年以后。

八七年十月天十二号的夜晚十一时。我来了，我从哪里来，我从妈妈肚子来，妈妈肚子里怎会有我，因为她和爸爸那年头时恩爱了，妈妈爸爸恩爱了又为什么会有我，因为他们恩爱，所以有些小东西结合了，然后留在妈妈的肚子里，慢慢变成我。

二十年以后，二十年前结合了的小东西到今天，二十岁。有点不原意承认自己已经二十岁了，后悔小时候每年的生日愿望都是希望自己快点长大，原望几年后真的就这样实现了，实现到神不知鬼不觉我也装傻。人小时候为什么会拼命想长大？我现在终于明白当初为什么听见歌唱着电视里的演员嘴巴念着的都是“当小孩真好”。

我其实才二十嘛，没有什么好悲哀的，没有什么值得去掩饰的，可我就是二字头的人了。最近常跟小自己一岁的人混在一起，常常被取笑自己老他们一岁，变成自己也很抗拒接受这个事实。王八，老就老。

我二十岁的生日，多了些从前不见的人，少了些从前不曾不见的人，也保留了其中一些从前不曾不见的人，更重要的一点，最需要最不能不见的人，我的他，也在。谢谢出现出席记得我的所有人……今年的生日，是我最说不出有多开心多难忘的一年，是不可思议的快乐。

原来我这么喜欢惊喜。最讨厌被欺骗的我却喜欢惊喜，我知道我矛盾。但几乎，矛盾已经和我画上等号。只有了解我的人会知道，怎么样的欺骗才不会触碰我的讨厌，和怎么样的惊喜才能盖掉欺骗的罪名。我爱的人和我的朋友，我知道制造惊喜是个非常非常伤脑筋的事情，也知道你们用精心策划我的生日，我真的真的真的很开心，只是我没有哭出来~

八七年十月十二日十一时妈妈进产房剖腹把我生出来后的二十年，我发现我真的很幸福。有多少人的生日十二点准，父母会马上打电话来跟自己说生日快乐，唱生日歌？我兴奋到不知所措，兴奋尾端却有一丝丝不孝的感觉，生日，我反而没有对妈妈说谢谢。

这一年，我的宝贝、我的家人、我的老朋友和我的新朋友，因为你们的出席，让我“二十岁的生日”听起来不那么让人抗拒！

二十年后，我学会感恩，感恩于我身边所有人，谢谢你们让我幸福。

--我其实都知道少了谁，我其实很想埋怨，我又不小心想起，我其实也忘了在你们生日时候给你们祝福。对不起。那扯平吧~ :P--

忠。不忠

忠，在一段爱情里面存在着什么意义？看过电视剧，听过朋友说，甚至现在亲眼目睹，不忠的爱情。不明白为什么一个曾经口口声声对对方宣誓将爱她爱到无可救药爱到海枯石烂的人，到头来，两年后、三年后，或五年后的头来，还是选择背叛她。就像，“我说过的话，只是用来点缀爱情，让我们的爱情看起来五彩缤纷的花饰而已，何必在意？”，这样草草就能了事，就能把自己设为一个“也曾经为爱情付出过的人”一样，“我们不适合，不是我背不背叛的问题。” 对爱情不负责任的人，休想得到真正的一份爱。你没有资格。

更荒唐的是，明明已经在不忠，已经在玩着刺激不过的火，还光明正大的要对方活得开心。“答应我，一定要活得开开心心的，好吗？” 白痴，你简直是无赖，你是撒旦，别想把自己掩饰成装戴着白色翅膀的天使，除非世界颠倒了，除非世界剩下你。

为什么偷偷摸摸，因为害怕别人看见？害怕别人闲言闲语？害怕别人指指点点？你们也知道自己不检点？呵……把爱情当作儿戏，再隐隐藏藏遮遮掩掩的进行自己儿戏式的爱情，可悲却一点也不可歌可泣的爱情。

是什么东西在一个人的脑力植入不忠的念头？背叛一个自己曾经爱过也爱自己的人，心里会舒服吗？生活会无忧无虑吗？是美色、金钱还是不甘寂寞，还是纯粹一时贪玩，一时冲动？玩腻了以后，发现始终还是从前的恋人好，然后回头，告诉她一时贪玩就是理由？谁天生有这样的权利，谁被赦免在爱情里面伤害谁？你不忠，你不忠，你就该死。

我愤怒得想用拳头，用铁锤，用剪刀，甚至我想用炸弹，让对爱情不忠出卖爱情的人穿肠肚烂脑袋开花。

我为何愤怒，我承认，我害怕……不是不相信我爱的人，而是无法想象自己会怎么样，无法想象不忠的爱情发生在自己身上。

不忠的人，玩弄爱情的人，你应该下地狱。

同居。

从来不知道同居有什么问题，上道德课讨论到这个话题，我恍了一下。谈恋爱之前就已经觉得两个相爱的人住在一起，结不结婚也只是一张纸签上名那样简单的事情不过。结不结婚，同不同居？有人结了婚可以分居，有人同了居可以不结婚，那又何必规定结了婚，才应该同居? 此时此刻，你就是我想要一起过生活的人，你就是我想长厢厮守的人，所以我和你住在一起。同居的原因，对我，就是这样简单。

不知道为什么，同居和性爱一定要被摆在一起讨论，同居=性爱，性爱=同居？谁定下的理论？甚至有一种同居，叫做“convenience”。 可笑。同居对一对情侣，不是性爱，而是一起生活的美。

一起生活一起睡觉一起走一起吃，步伐甚至心跳都一致。两个人相爱，最向往的就是这个境界。“同居会破坏婚姻的美”这又是什么笨道理？有人说“婚姻就是爱情的坟墓”，那婚姻又何尝美丽？有些人的婚姻可以很美丽，有些人的婚姻可以很残缺不堪。如果婚姻真的是爱情的坟墓，同居为什么不能被用来训练婚姻生活而被当作是破坏婚姻生活的主使？

婚姻可以很丑陋，如果两个人没有办法和谐的生活。美丽的婚姻，只是人们口中夸大其词来修饰婚姻的说法。婚姻美不美丽，不是同不同居会不会破坏的。

我们同居，我们吵架我们也幸福。现在才真正知道，每个人，包括热恋期间对你关怀备至疼爱有加的人，都有天使恶魔的双性格。我们常常因为不能接受对方一些自己从来不知道的性格生气暴躁吵架。我们曾经激烈的争吵伤害自己伤害对方说出自己不愿意说的刺伤对方的话，我们曾经触碰分手的导火线，也曾经跨过脚步用力踩对方的极限，吵过以后我们紧紧抱着对方哭，眼泪鼻涕交织在惭愧内疚后悔里面。但有时候气坏脑说出来的话，往往会不由自主的被烙印在其中一方的心里，一个小角落。第二次再触碰那道疤，很多记忆会一时间被捞起来涌起来。没有一方愿意退一步，就一发不可收拾。而我承认，到现在我仍没有学会退一步海阔天空的道理……

我常常问，“你是不是没有像以前那样爱我疼我了？”而得到的答案总是，“不是，你要自己看到同居前后的分别，不是爱或不爱了，而是从前淘涛汹涌的想念经已被转变成现在的亲密。”我总是清楚的记得从前的轰轰烈烈，织织热热，却转身感觉不到现在的平稳现在的亲密。有些事情无意间变成了习惯，很多事情无意间相信只有和对方才能共存，有些事情无意间已经以来对方来为自己做，这些亲密接触，往往比从前的轰烈，来得高一层楼幸福。

反对同居的人从来不会感受这样的亲密。我们愿意和对方一起生活，时间、金钱、心思、功课都放在一起，因为相信，对方就是我们永恒的对象。

就算世界对我说，同居是不对的不好的不应该的，那么我会对世界说，

“对不起我背叛你。”

Love+Future vs Dream

I thought God has well designed my life. But seems not. There is always stg occur, jus to make me confused. Actually I do know wat I should do the next, n I know wat I supposed to.. Jus, it's kinda heavy to gv up of the dream which I dreamed for so long time! I shouldn't act shilly-shally anymore, I know it. Perhaps it'll surely be considered as an excuse, if I say, "Bcoz I'm Libra." 

Do u guys agree? Sometimes, being no choice is better than having choices. Well, it's only a chance to try to get one more choice. It's not a chance for me to choose yet. M i supposed to try for it? Try for my dream? Some said, "Don ever think of others once u decided which way u r gonna further." Some said, "Try for it. At least u do try for ur dream." My decision has nvr be strengthened enough. I can be influenced easily..

Everyone has already enrolled in their respective field. I should too. It's not the time for me to think tat much.. A fren said, "Sometimes, future is more important than dream." So sad, y not my dream brings me a bright future? Y not the future I'm stepping towards now brings me my dream? Haha! "Choose ur course, but not choose the place u study."

U know wat, my 'future' is here. My 'love' is here. My 'ex-dream' is there. So wat u think I would choose? Ppl is always greedy, I'm also. Who would choose the less n gv up the more? Which stupid fella? Absolutely not me. Arrhh, wat actually m I? I always make myself confuse, not u, not God, not anyone else but I myself. The answer is obvious. No one is gonna try for stg unpredictable.

Perhaps I wil regret one day, if I don work hard for wat I've chosen. But I'm not gonna regret, any day. Coz I swear, I wil work hard for it. For my future, for my love.

I'm here, for my love as well as my future. My love makes me warm, my future makes me safety.

*Thanks for the chance given, I do appreciate.

Self-confidence.

Hm, actually I should hv get used being in short hair style. Shouldn't me? It has been about half year. Sometimes I tell ppl, I like myself in short hair~ Ya, I like my short-hair look, sometimes~ It does make me feel something called 'freedom'. Haha..

I tried to make it looks better for quite a few times, and I cried twice as I failed to make those hair stylers understand wat I really wanted. I cried like a child, groused like a child. I feel myself ludicrous. Wat so important is appearance for me? I wonder. Y do I always care how I look so much? I wonder.

Tis time, I spent nearly two hours to cut my hair. N I spent my dear's time to accompany me. Finally I failed to get wat I really wanted, again. The hair styler was really skilled. But unfortunately he din get wat I was describing about. It was really bad, arrh~

I cried, the second time for the case of hair. Embarrasing~ I cried alone in the toilet, n thought tat my dear won't realise it. Haha, things always happen outta expectation, it's true. He realised it. I thought he was gonna scold me. But not, he hugged me and talked to me gently. He is always the best counsellor who bring me the right way to think of. Wat is the most important thing is, self-confidence, he said. N it is the right thing tat I always lack of. I can easily influenced by wat ppl said. I mind the words too much. He built me stg in my heart. He is capable to do so.

Wat to describe abt my hair? It jus makes me look like a human-mushroom. Bloody hell. Perhaps the hair styler thought it's sort of modern, young, fashion or watever hair style. I don like it indeed. It seems silly. It seems stupid. Wat to say? It happened. I do look like a mushroom, but I tell myself it should described as 'cute'. (~~") I know it's a fake. Yet I'm not gonna be unhappy for it anymore, bcoz of wat? Bcoz you said so, my dear. ",

N the horoscope said:

" You are more attractive than you realize, and someone is going to make it their job to help you understand that today. Be happy and gracious when someone calls you beautiful. You should believe them -- after all, why would they lie? Your self-esteem has been taking a hit lately, mostly because you are listening to the tiny voices of doubt in your head. It's time to decide for yourself that you are as beautiful as you think you are -- case closed. "

Ahha, I do believe it then. Ohoho~ I'm a happy mushroom-like gal~ Wil be together v my dear, someone who always act as my big brother-hubby. Love u so..

Commitment.

Again, we got a big quarrel yesterday night. It was the most terrible quarrel we’ve ever had.

It was about two years and seven months time that we went through together, holding each other's hand tightly.Time goes by, we promised, and we broke the commitment once after once.We lost our own controls on our tempers, we screamed loud, we threw each other the bad words. We've never realize, how much we hurt each other.

Everyone who knew us has evident our love,everyone who knew us, has seen how much we love each other.What made both of us went mad? We betrayed our own hearts, saying some words that would never be true.

I thought it would be the fullstop for our relationship, I felt so much heavy to think by that way, it couldn't be ended so easily, it shouldn't. How long the journey we have gone through, while there are still many commitments between us, and many dreams we are going to fulfill. It shouldn't stopped there.

Getting a quarrel, it was not only your fault,nor mine alone. We both have done a big mistake by persisting our own feeling too much, and we refused to step backward, giving some spaces for each other.

In the end we both cried. Cried for sorry. cried for regret. When we realized how stupid we were, something left in our hearts.Hurt and regret. There will be some changes in tiny parts of our relationship, undoubtable. But we're gonna fill it with deeper love. We're gonna fill it with mature. We're gonna hold our love eternally.

The fullstop, will be placed after forever. That's our commitment.

Night & New Life

"Starry starry night~ paint your ballet blue and grey.."

Wow wow wow.. it's really a nice n sweet song.but unfortunately, wat matches my situation the more right now is, "Scary scary night~ paint my vision black and dark.."

Damn caffeine. Damn teh tarik.

Dear dear, Mummy, Daddy...Can u pls take me along into ur dreams? Suffering now. God... How come I feel no any sleepy even if I m nearly exhausted?

Stupid caffeine! U make me go mad! who give u tis such of strong power huh?! Oopps.. I think I m really going mad. ~~"

"What r u thinking my dear?"

wat m i thinking? I m thinking of nothing but trying to think of something~ trying to think of something irregular, something abnormal, something tat wil nvr happen, something tat ordinary person has not ever thought of. I thought I would fall asleep by doing this stupid attitude. But obviously, I totally failed. My head is burning whereas I m not sleepy at all, yet.

Terrible terrible n terrible. Caffeine is evil! Hate it but unlucky I would need it sometimes. I love it in some necessary situation but it keeps hurting my brain! Y...sobb..

About two more weeks to go, my new life is coming. I m going to b a totally U student! Perhaps tis makes the cells all over my body excited. N too, nervous! Seem many things have not yet prepared well, seem it comes too fast. There is a challenge in front, I knew I m facing toward it since I made my decision. I shouldn't scare, I shouldn't afraid, but I do.. Sigh..

Someone someone n someone, tell me u r going v me. I m not independent, I m not brave. I can laugh very loud, I can talk in a very high volume, but these won't happen when I've been thrown into somewhere communicating in English. Someone someone n someone, tell me u r going v me n u r speaking in Mandarin. I can speak Hokkien too. Cantonese as well, at least I can understand. ..Mama...

Arrrhh, tell me not to afraid. Tell me, u r looking at me, u r with me dear. Ya I know u do. Then I wil be fine. ",

I m not strong yet. But I swear, I wil be.

Lalala~~~ Finish talking nonsense, I m not sleepy yet. Y y y n y....????

長大.

"我想死."

"別輕易說死, 該長大了."

該長大了.

二十歲了.

為甚麼依然孩子氣?

依然妄為__

死. 我並沒有勇氣.

哈!

為甚麼說想死.

因為幼稚的以為,

所有人會因此退縮.

笑我吧.

我不怕_因為我也笑自己.

甚麼時候長大甚麼時候成熟.

我需要時間, 是多長的時間

說等我的人會等我多久

我沒有勇氣給自己給愛我的人一個承諾.

我幾年幾月幾日

將變成一個大人.成熟的人.

我要變成熟.

論里論外, 我都不是.

我會不會變得懂事?

會不會變得成熟?

-------------------------

為甚麼圍繞在這樣的問題

為甚麼團團轉.

因為我在找藉口

因為我想繼續讓你當小孩一樣疼

因為我想繼續把你當哥哥情人

因為我想繼續聽你說道理

因為我不想長大

想到了七老八十, 依舊是你的寶貝.

我壞, 我任性.

我奢侈狂妄的要你.

我的親愛的

我知道你疼我_

對不起. 讓你心痛_________